Imagine you’re working on a project for which you have a very particular vision. But every time you put pen to paper, your execution falls short of your ideal. There’s a gap between the perfect image in your mind and your ability to realize the concept in the moment. The more attempts you make, the more frustrated you become, until finally you crumple up one last sheet of paper, toss it in the trash, and storm away, giving up altogether.
Does that scenario resonate, either literally or figuratively? Perhaps you have memories of those kinds of classic anxious high-achieving frustrations even dating back to childhood. How many balled-up pieces of paper have you left in your wake while you walked away feeling defeated, like you failed?
This is perfectionism in a nutshell: the belief that everything you do has to be the very best or it’s not good enough. In fact, unless it’s flawless, it doesn’t even count and isn’t worth doing at all. What’s troubling is that, when we set such unattainable standards, we lose momentum and lose trust not only in our endeavors but also in ourselves. The problem is not the drive to succeed, achieve our goals, or continually become our best self. The problem is that we tie our self-worth to our achievements, so we become terrified to make mistakes or ever look less than the best. Translation: We may believe that if we’re not perfect, we’re worthless.
So how do you know if you’re plagued by anxiety-promoting perfectionism or are simply overwhelmed by too much on your plate? First, ask yourself: Is my stress and worry tied to how I think about myself? Shine your flashlight on your self-talk. Do you find yourself thinking, “I have so much to do! How will I get it all done?” Or are you telling yourself, “I should be able to handle all of this. I must really suck. What’s wrong with me?” If you’re primarily focused on the sheer volume of work, but you know your inherent value as a person is not contingent on whether you get it done, then you’re likely just overextended. But if you are barraging yourself with self-criticism and feeling shame or inadequacy about your work, that’s indicative of unhealthy perfectionism.
Perfectionism doesn’t always manifest in all areas of your life. Frequently, high achievers are consumed with the parts that win them the most potential approval and are external-facing—appearance, achievement, relationships. For example, I had one hardworking client, Liz, who had chronic toothaches because she didn’t prioritize going to the dentist on schedule, but she never missed her monthly hair appointment.
Now, there’s nothing wrong with lofty goals or wanting to look your best. But the reality is that while striving for flawlessness has brought you some success in the past, it has cost you something, too. Those perfectionist tendencies aren’t serving you anymore. You are probably feeling anxious, overburdened, and bad about yourself, and maybe you haven’t been hitting your marks as much as you want lately, either. Because perfectionism is actually counterproductive. You may achieve to a point, sure. But you won’t thrive and be the greatest version of yourself while you’re so afraid to let your foot off the gas.
The problem with perfectionism is that it’s unattainable and unsustainable, rendering it a hindrance to success. “Perfectionism is a narrow, intolerant expectation that we will never make mistakes or have any imperfections,” writes Sharon Martin, MSW, LCSW, author of The CBT Workbook for Perfectionism. “We take one mistake and use it to deem ourselves complete failures or inferior . . . When we expect perfection, we’ll inevitably be disappointed. We all make mistakes, no matter how smart we are or how hard we work.” It’s stressful to have so much at stake, to think that we have to deliver perfection in order to be seen as an indispensable part of a team, a worthy new hire, or deserving of that promotion. Unmeetable standards set us up for failure because even if we come close, flawlessness is not achievable. And the more discrepant our reality is from our expectations, the more distress we’ll feel. So, unachievable expectations can cause such chronic anxiety and self-doubt that they stymie our progress and ascent.
In her book The Gifts of Imperfection, thought leader Brené Brown, PhD, MSW, references how research shows that perfectionism actually hampers success and can lead to anxiety, depression, and what she calls “life-paralysis.” That’s the fallout from “all of the opportunities we miss because we’re too afraid to put anything out in the world that could be imperfect . . . all of the dreams that we don’t follow because of our deep fear of failing, making mistakes, and disappointing others.”2 It’s crucial to remember that, because we are human, we will make mis- takes. That’s a fact. That’s why we have to recalibrate our expectations to acknowledge reality if we want to keep moving forward to achieve our goals.
This doesn’t mean that we must settle either for mediocrity or for an insular life of perpetual worry. Fun times! There’s another way to keep ourselves from getting mired in pursuit of this albatross, to escape the self-sabotaging cycle of anxiety and standards by which we are doomed to fail. The antidote comes in the form of a different metric for success: excellence. The bar is still extraordinarily high—where we like it!—but this time it allows for our humanity.
Courtesy of Hachette Book Group
The excellence equation
Excellence hinges on honoring yourself, mind, body, and spirit, holding space for a range of what success looks like rather than some perfect-or-bust mindset.
Each person is unique and will manifest excellence in their own way, within a day, a year, or a lifetime. So that we have a shared understanding, the working definition we’ll use is what I call the “Excellence Equation,” which outlines the overall concept in simple terms:
Excellence = healthy, happy, and high-achieving
Happy: Stable mood, a sense of peace and freedom, hope, experiencing and moving through a full range of feelings, no emotion being denied, judged, or perpetually stuck in. Definitely not continual anxiety, worry, panic, or depression. Actively optimizing your thoughts and behaviors to reduce distress and promote wellbeing.
Healthy: Getting ample sleep and regular physical activity, eating well, effectively managing stress, not using substances to numb out, taking care of yourself by attending appropriate medical visits.
High-achieving: Sustainably striving for meaningful goals, cultivating and maintaining strong relationships, being a part of something bigger than yourself, and continuing to learn and grow (not settling for stagnation) while also appreciating what you already have. Moving forward, making progress, and persevering in the pursuit of purposeful accomplishments.
After all, would it really be an excellent life if you were walking around feeling chronically anxious and unfulfilled, disregarding your mental and physical wellbeing, not using your energy to accomplish anything meaningful, living in isolation, and thinking you didn’t have anything to be grateful for?
Creating an excellent life means making your mind (happy), body (healthy), and spirit (high-achieving) of paramount importance.
Excerpted from THE HAPPY HIGH ACHIEVER: 8 Essentials to Overcome Anxiety, Manage Stress, and Energize Yourself for Success―Without Losing Your Edge by Mary E. Anderson, PhD. Copyright © 2024 by the author. Reprinted with permission of Balance, an imprint of Grand Central Publishing.
